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Novelty forum • View topic - A Dark night - Contains nudity
Page 1 of 1

A Dark night - Contains nudity

PostPosted: Thu Jan 13, 2011 8:54 pm
by fleet
Okay, at the risk of getting banned or severely criticized for submitting poor quality work, I've decided to post a link to one of my completed visual novels/game.
If you are under-age to view nudity where you live, please do not click on the link.
By clicking on the link you certify that you are of legal age to view nudity, and hold this site and the game author harmless of any violation of law.

This is a story about a man's encounter with a mysterious woman. There are three endings. Download size is 7o MB.
Game contains nudity, sex scenes, vampiric violence and use of alcohol.




Updated version of the game is still available at http://wolflore.net/, registration is required


Constructive comments are welcome.

very respectfully,
fleet

Re: A Dark night - Contains nudity

PostPosted: Thu Jan 13, 2011 9:33 pm
by Avaible
Poorly done, indeed - but only compared to works with a bit more dialogue;)

I liked how Arnie just accepted her without further ado though - it's good to have a character who can distinguish between what's important and not important.

Re: A Dark night - Contains nudity

PostPosted: Thu Jan 13, 2011 10:24 pm
by fleet

Re: A Dark night - Contains nudity

PostPosted: Thu Jan 13, 2011 11:30 pm
by Avaible
I mean it's not a bad idea but you missed many chances while cutting the content down to a minimum.
Hm, like this: You have a tree with three branches but no knots and twigs or leafs.

Re: A Dark night - Contains nudity

PostPosted: Fri Jan 14, 2011 1:01 am
by fleet
There is a longer version (totally uncensored) that would certainly get me banned if I posted a link to it.

Is that what you mean?

As far as brnches, I assume you are talking about the number of endings. I thought three was a good number for this story.

You said I missed a good many chances. Would you elaborate?

If I'm pressing on this, it's because it seems to me your saying my visual novel is 'poorly done' means I have lots of room for improvement, and I could use some specific advice on things to improve.

very respectfully,
fleet

Re: A Dark night - Contains nudity

PostPosted: Fri Jan 14, 2011 11:21 am
by Avaible
You're not pressing on it, the forum is for advice and improvement, is it not?

Basically, I probably meant the longer version if the story-telling of it is more complex.

Let's take an example:

" The UK says skirts regarding school uniforms are discriminating against transsexuals."
But you could also say:
" The UK government’s Equality and Human Rights Commission told schools that skirts could be judged to be discriminating against transsexuals who are offended to have to wear skirts (female-to-male transsexuals) or that they aren't allowed to wear skirts (male-to-female transsexuals)."
Or you could say:
" The UK government’s Equality and Human Rights Commission published a report stating 'requiring pupils to wear gender-specific clothes is potentially unlawful', telling schools that skirts could be judged to be discriminating against transsexuals who are offended to have to wear skirts (female-to-male transsexuals) or that they aren't allowed to wear skirts (male-to-female transsexuals)."

You used variant 1 - important information for understanding the story summarized.
That's where there is certainly room to improve.

As for the branches, that was a metapher to show that your basic idea is good and should not be changed but the reader will want to learn more about the details of the fateful encounter. I'm of the same opinion as you, three endings are certainly enough and well balanced.

Re: A Dark night - Contains nudity

PostPosted: Fri Jan 14, 2011 6:26 pm
by fleet
Thanks.
The longer version does expand on the fateful encounter (when Marcella says "Guess" a menu comes up, with associated slides based on the menu selections; these slides include in-game video), but I'm sure I'd be banned for posting the link.
very respectfully,
fleet

Re: A Dark night - Contains nudity

PostPosted: Sat Mar 24, 2012 12:06 am
by fleet
I've deleted the link to the older version at renai. I am working on a new story, using much of the advice I've been given.

Re: A Dark night - Contains nudity

PostPosted: Sat Mar 24, 2012 6:08 pm
by ErikB

Re: A Dark night - Contains nudity

PostPosted: Sat Mar 24, 2012 6:24 pm
by fleet
ErikB,
I've change my mind about remaking this. Thank you for your consideration.
Regards,
fleet

Re: A Dark night - Contains nudity

PostPosted: Sun Mar 25, 2012 4:53 am
by justjoe
Missed this one. Looks like I'll have to register at wolflore. :roll: