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Novelty forum • View topic - Catch me if you can ♥ 1.2
Page 1 of 1

Catch me if you can ♥ 1.2

PostPosted: Fri Jan 04, 2013 4:55 am
by SadSong
okay~ It's my turn :D
it's my first try and i'm not finished yet. However I finished a little 'demo version'.

Story
After her classmate was murdered, Alice is the main suspect. She was the last person, who was seen with the victim... and she doesn't have an alibi. But Alice is innocent and she wants to prove that!
The night after the death of that girl someone comes into her room... It was the real murder, who tells Alice that she 'is the next one on his list'. However Alice and the murder made a deal... She has one month to find him by investigating and asking other people on her own. No police, no friend who helps.
But can she really manage it? Or will she... accidently fall in love with him?

yeah... I absolutley wanted to make that. I don't know yet how many endings there'll be... but I guess... 5 good endings and... maybe 3 bad ones. But I don't know yet.
I know that there aren't sounds... but I'm working on it. I have a hard time finding the sounds I want... and background music generally... I don't know with the copyright and... I'm too clueless to be true :(
However. I'll add sounds and update it as soon as this is done.
And if you find any mistakes (spelling, grammar, whatever) please tell me ^^' It could be that there are a few, even though I read through everything five times.
And yea... I hope you enjoy it (even without sounds or hardly sounds :D)
Download:
http://www.mediafire.com/?uatecacdedrj43j
And yea...
The character 'Stephano' is made by skim
and 'Luca' by Olivia
(I felt bad leaving it without 'credits' :D )

Re: Catch me if you can ♥ 1.0

PostPosted: Fri Jan 04, 2013 7:19 am
by fleet
On one of the first few slide you typed "there she lied...there on the floor" It should be "there she lay"
On the slide immediately after that you typed "I airhead forgot it again." The word airhead doesn't fit.
Felicia says "Plus the police thinks that you're the main suspect..." The verb should be "think".

In another part of the same dialog, Alice said, "...there are enough people which killed their siblings..." use the word "who" instead of the word "Which".

One another slide you typed "as if someone opend the balcony." "opend" should be "opened."


After the killer visits ALice, she says "The last victim's cousin works there, what I know." The way this is worded implies that there has been more than one murder. Nothing in the story so far mentioned other murder. You might want to delete the word "last". Also, "what I know." probably should be "that I know."

On the menu amusent park should be amusement park.
In the amusement park an unknown speaker says "Finally save. No girl's around." This should read "Finally safe, no girls around."

At that point I stopped looking for grammar and spelling mistakes.

Continuity errors: When I selected the cafe, the conversation sequence with Luca was repeated.
Alice then returned to the amusement park and the dialog with Kyle was repeated.
At the shops, when Alice saw Felicia how did Alice know about Felicia and her sister's jewelry, and the posters and magazines? This should be explained.
When I selected Cafe,the Luca dialog from the previous visit repeated.

At this point I stopped playing.

I suggest you have a friend sit down beside you at the computer and both of you look for mistakes.

Re: Catch me if you can ♥ 1.0

PostPosted: Fri Jan 04, 2013 3:14 pm
by SadSong
okay, thank you. I'll correct it immediatly.
The suggestion with a friend is good, but... All of my friends always ask for my help, because I'm rather good in English.
And the menu thing... yes... I was so confused with everything, I'll change that too.
Thank you so much ^.^ *still feels really stupid after seeing the mistake-list*

EDIT: I just corrected it. I hope that I managed to turn every amusent into amusement and murder into murderer :D
I don't know if I also managed the menu thing, but I hope so... But a friend of mine and I will try out every choice combination and take a look if it's all right as soon as she arrives at my place :D
So... I edited the download link :D

Re: Catch me if you can ♥ 1.1

PostPosted: Fri Jan 04, 2013 8:09 pm
by fleet
You said, "I don't know if I also managed the menu thing, but I hope so... But a friend of mine and I will try out every choice combination and take a look if it's all right as soon as she arrives at my place"

Based on that comment, I'm going to wait for version 1.2 before I try the demo. Don't give up. :D

Re: Catch me if you can ♥ 1.2

PostPosted: Sat Jan 05, 2013 1:40 am
by SadSong
So~ Just finished the menu. Relieved~
I edited it, so the new download link is online :D
The next thing I want to do... SOUNDS. And if there are other problems... solve them. :)

Re: Catch me if you can ♥ 1.2

PostPosted: Sat Jan 05, 2013 1:50 am
by fleet
I'll download and take a look at version 1.2

BTW, you can use royalty free music from in your visual novel.

Here's a source of free sound effects


EDIT: I didn't see any continuity errors, and there were fewer incorrectly spelled words. :D

I suggest you add a 'credits' text slide after the title page where you can give Skim credit for creating Luca's sprite.

From reading the dialog it’s obvious that English as spoken in North America is not your native language. While much of the dialog is understandable, your word choices are awkward. Having someone who is fluent in conversational English sit next to you at the computer and assist you in editing your story would be helpful.

In the night-time scene where Alice thinks “Sounded ..,as if someone opended the balcony.” The correct spelling is “opened.”

In the café with Luca, Alice says, “There’s a reason for everything, and I won’t stop until I find out his’. And?” There should not be an apostrophe after the word his.

In the amusement park, Kyle says, “Finally save. No girls around.” It should read “Finally safe. No girls around.”

In the amusement park with Kyle, Alice says, “Washing my name pure again.” I don’t know anybody who would say that. I think you meant “Clearing my name.”

Again, in the amusement park Kyle says, “It’s none of your businesses. Get a hobby and a live and stop sticking your nose in other people’s things.” He should say, “It’s none of your business. Get a life and stop sticking your nose in other people’s affairs.”

When Alice talks with Felicia outside the shops, Felicia says, “Where do you want to know that?” I think you mean “How do you know that?”

By the pond Alice says, “I’m still afraid, that this murder kills me…” It should say “I’m still afraid that the murderer will kill me…”

When Alice is thinking about Jonny and Luca by the pond she says, “In the end Luca and I met on his funeral.” It should read “In the end Luca and I met at his funeral.”

When Alice is talking on her cell phone with Bryon, he says, “But in the end she just stayed ourside the house because she was so afraid.” It should read “But in the end she just stayed outside the house because she was so afraid.”

During the same conversation, Alice says, “Greetings for your dad.” I’ve never heard that expression. Unless Alice was especially close to Bryon’s father (like he was a favorite teacher or something similar), she would not mention his father at all.

Bryon’s response (“Yeah. Same for you.” )sounds awkward. A better conclusion to the conversation would be Alice saying “Talk to you later,” and Bryon responding, “Yeah, goodbye.”

Re: Catch me if you can ♥ 1.2

PostPosted: Sat Jan 05, 2013 2:23 pm
by SadSong
OKay... Thank you.
I wanted to add credits anyways so yes :)
And your suggestion is really good, but I don't know anyone who is fluent in conversational English. :(
I'll edit it later :)