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Novelty forum • View topic - Roxy Underwood Chapter 1,2,3,4 (Demo 3)

Roxy Underwood Chapter 1,2,3,4 (Demo 3)

Show off your works in progress or share your completed games with the community.

Roxy Underwood Chapter 1,2,3,4 (Demo 3)

Postby nellmee » Fri Aug 31, 2012 8:14 pm

Image
Demo 1-
Demo 2-
Demo 3-(Updated Version)


Re-made Roxy
Added a Visual of Ryan (the person you play as)
Added Chapter 2
Edited/Fixed Errors



OMG! Roxy!?
"Hee hee! You'll have to get to chapter 3 to know me ;)"
Image


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Last edited by nellmee on Sat Sep 15, 2012 7:30 pm, edited 6 times in total.
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Re: Roxy Underwood Chapter 1 and 2 (Demo 2)

Postby fleet » Sat Sep 01, 2012 12:48 am

I see you've made progress. I'm not a moderator here, but I don't see a need to start a new topic for the update since you already have a topic.
You might want to cut back on the use of .....

Your readers might be interested in how Ryan got Roxy to forgive him to the extent that she was willing to go on a date with him. She seemed VERY upset with him at the park when they first met
Why? I like big ones, that's why.
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Re: Roxy Underwood Chapter 1 and 2 (Demo 2)

Postby nellmee » Tue Sep 04, 2012 7:00 am

Yeah i forgot i made a post before hand <.<" oops
I figured i'd do that as the story progresses... Try and make him ask why he forgave her and such... maybe him be crazy and go through her phone lol!
Also Roxy had been the one that told him lol
I like to keep the mystery in Romance Novels and then bump in the details at a later time, making people want to read more to figure out what had happened.
I'm planning on the story to be like a Romantic Mystery novel where he figures out things that i shant revile lol
And I've just began chapter 3 and I plan on it being a nice LONG game lol. Long games are better because the short visual novels disappoint people.
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Re: Roxy Underwood Chapter 1 and 2 (Demo 2)

Postby Okashi » Fri Sep 07, 2012 2:39 pm

I love how tsundere she is. I would love to keep reading!! I'm really excited for the finished product!!
I want to draw Roxy!
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Re: Roxy Underwood Chapter 1 and 2 (Demo 2)

Postby nellmee » Sat Sep 08, 2012 11:35 pm

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Re: Roxy Underwood Chapter 1,2,3,4 (Demo 3)

Postby nellmee » Sat Oct 06, 2012 4:32 pm

No one had tried my newest demo.
so i'm not sure if i should continue, or if some errors had appeared.
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Re: Roxy Underwood Chapter 1,2,3,4 (Demo 3)

Postby fleet » Sat Oct 06, 2012 6:22 pm

I played two of the demos (the first one and chapter one), and thought that you had made a good start. I will probably play the FINISHED project. I haven't played the updates as I'm not into reading any story that is 'to be continued'. This is NOT a complaint against you or your work; it's just a preference of mine.
I'll take a look at demo3.
I encourage you to continue working on your VN as long as you are having fun doing it.

EDIT: I played Demo3 through one time. I found only one discontinuity in the plot, but there were a good number of punctuation errors.


Frequent mistakes like those are often a 'turn off" for readers. I'd suggest you have a friend sit down with you and help you find and correct the mistakes.
Why? I like big ones, that's why.
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Re: Roxy Underwood Chapter 1,2,3,4 (Demo 3)

Postby nellmee » Sun Oct 07, 2012 3:11 am

Yeah, My keyboard is broke... so I can't type properly anymore sadly. I wish novelty worked on Mac, than i could do more...
Good thing i'm not a professional, i'd be in big trouble for all the errors you've pointed out!
Thank you very much fleet
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Re: Roxy Underwood Chapter 1,2,3,4 (Demo 3)

Postby fleet » Sun Oct 07, 2012 3:56 am

Keyboards are cheap; if that's the problem I strongly suggest you buy another one. I live in the USA and have seen used keyboards selling for $3 at yard sales. If you are using a laptop that doesn't have a PS2 keyboard connection, you can connect a USB keyboard to a USB ports. In the interim, I strongly suggest you correct the errors.
Someone who doesn't know you have a broken keyboard could very easily assume you don't care enough to check your work. :cry:

I type dialog in using a word processor program (MS Word), and use the built in spelling, grammar and punctuation check features to find mistakes and typos. Then I copy and paste the dialog into Novelty. Finally, I have at least two other people check the VN before I release it to the general public. Even after that, one or two errors sometimes slip through. :oops:
Why? I like big ones, that's why.
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Re: Roxy Underwood Chapter 1,2,3,4 (Demo 3)

Postby MonocledGentlewoman » Thu Oct 18, 2012 10:39 am

I've been meaning to give this game a go for a while, and I finally got a chance to do it yesterday. This is my feedback for you, based on four playthroughs of the game, selecting different routes each time.

The first thing that hit me was the graphics. It's interesting that you chose to use MMD to create graphics for your actors; I'm considering doing something similar for my VN, until I get an artist. However, the 3D models clash quite a lot with the backgrounds; this is especially evident in the first scene, where Roxy really clashes with the BG. There's also some weird white pixels around the outlines of the characters occasionally, which makes the graphics look extremely messy. Unless you're planning on getting an artist, I'd suggest making some BGs with MMD to match the actors.

There was also a graphical glitch in the scene where Ryan meets Roxy at her house. Her sister seemed to be stuck in the BG behind Roxy. It was pretty weird.

The lack of sound is also very off-putting. Apart from the title theme (which was kind of obnoxious and didn't really fit with the rest of the game), there was absolutely no sound. It made the game feel extremely empty. I'd suggest at least putting in some sound effects. Definitely get your hands on some royalty free music asap, because this game would feel a lot less amateurish with a bit of BGM.

What needs the most work, however, is the story. Your pacing is just... all off, and your characterization is very weak. Ryan and Roxy have no chemistry and you never really give us a reason to want him to 'get the girl' other than 'the game says so'. The story progresses way too fast, and gives us absolutely no buildup between Roxy and Ryan's first meeting and their first date.
In addition, Roxy flip-flops between moods too often. She'll go from happily beaming at Ryan to screaming at him for minor infractions. If you're trying to make her a tsundere, you're not doing a very good job of it. She's coming off as very shallow and really, at this point, she's not a very likable heroine.

The first scene especially needs filling out. Remember, the first few minutes of a game are the most important; you need to catch the players' attention and keep it. A poorly written intro does you no favours. The game starts off with Ryan skipping school, but why is he skipping school? Is this a regular occurrence? Is he in a park? A field? Is he in the town? What kind of person is he? Smart, funny, serious, kind, mean, generous, possessive?
Most importantly, why does Roxy approach him? Ryan gives no indication of knowing her outside of "zomg your family is loaded!" so why does she feel the need to wake him up? She's also pretty hypocritical; she calls Ryan 'rude' and 'a jerk', but she is the one waking up a complete stranger and bellowing in his face. If anyone's being rude in this situation, it's Roxy. Not only that, but shouldn't Roxy be in school too? She's in her casual clothes and she's in the park(?) at the same time as him. Assuming they attend the same school (as the walking-her-to-school scene implies), Roxy should be attending class too. So she has even less right to be yelling at him.

There's also no explanation of why Ryan cares enough about Roxy that he wants her forgiveness (she was the one being rude to him, remember), how he gets it or why he's taking her out on a date. Roxy certainly doesn't seem happy with him at the end of their previous encounter, so it makes no sense that they would suddenly be going on a date.

There's also a continuity error between the two choices; if you take her to the park, Roxy is late, but taking her shopping results in her arriving early. It doesn't make much sense, and needs fixing.

Their next date opens pretty weird as well; Ryan mentions that he's missed her, implying that they've been apart for some time. Why? He clearly has her phone number and they attend the same school, so there's no reason he shouldn't be able to at least get a 'hi' in every day. They've also grown close enough in the time between these two dates that Ryan is comfortable using a pet name for her (though I'd suggest using something other than 'hon' though. It's awkward sounding at the best of times and doesn't fare much better here.). We don't see any of this development though, so their relationship remains void of any real tension or chemistry.

Another continuity error; Roxy yells at Ryan for being late 'again', but he's never been late on any of their previous dates. In fact, the only one who's been late is Roxy. Again, this needs fixing.

The twin reveal comes out of nowhere; there's no foreshadowing and doesn't really add much to the plot aside the tiniest fraction of tension if Ryan chooses to take her on the date as opposed to Roxy. But here's the thing; Trina is a much more likable character than Roxy. She's cute, friendly, a little clueless and seems like a much nicer person than her sister. If you're trying to make us feel bad for picking her over Roxy, it ain't working.

Continuity error #3: Ryan specifically suggests hanging out at Roxy's house and she agrees to it. But when Ryan goes the next day, Roxy is absent and then acts like she had no idea he was visiting when she eventually returns. Fix this.

By the way, why wasn't Ryan familiar with either of them before his initial meeting with Roxy? He certainly knows their family judging by his reaction, so two extremely rich twins attending the same school would be rather infamous.

On top of the problems with the story, there are a lot of grammatical errors as others pointed out. There's a lot that needs fixing before you release the full game.
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Re: Roxy Underwood Chapter 1,2,3,4 (Demo 3)

Postby nellmee » Mon May 13, 2013 6:36 pm

Game has been diminished
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Re: Roxy Underwood Chapter 1,2,3,4 (Demo 3)

Postby 8oni » Tue May 14, 2013 6:01 am

Diminished? You mean discontinued? I don't check this thread so I don't know that this is a work in progress. Anyway, sometimes you might want to rebuild your work again from scratch because you think it's not good enough. Happen to me. Anyway, it's up to you what you want to do with your work. Just don't give up on making a vn, most people going through this phase but they will overcome it. I'm sure you can do that too.
I like your char, 3d char can clash with 2d bg sadly, but there is a lot free 3d bg that you pick on internet. I'm waiting for your next work then :)
So many idea, so little time
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