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Novelty forum • View topic - Dystopia, Victims of the Modern Age

Dystopia, Victims of the Modern Age

Discuss story ideas and the art of writing.

Dystopia, Victims of the Modern Age

Postby Praelium » Sat Sep 14, 2013 9:52 pm

Hi everyone,
I am new to this forum and planning on making a Visual Novel in a non-anime style with a non-anime story.
Please give me feedback on this story.

This story contains strong and adult language.

Here is the story:




________________________________________
I am not your all-day hero. Neither am I your villain. I am no one, nothing, not even that blink of someone passing you on the streets. No my friend, I am no one you know, you haven't even seen me. I am but another piece in this community, that is all I am. And that can't be helped. All day long everyone tells you that you'll be a famous actor, an amazing businessman, a musician, hell even president. Fuck that. Accept it, there is no such thing. What's fame worth anyways? We're all dying, one bloody minute at a time. And we're all going to hell. In the end, what did we accomplish except death?


________________________________________
So here I find myself, waking up. The daily cycle of so called life has begun. I usually start my day by drinking extra strong coffee. Not that this is something you're interested in, but hell, this is me. The common breakfast of cereal with milk. Chocolate crisp cereal. With exactly the right amount of milk. I don't want my cereal to become all mushy, do I? I have multiple disorders, at least so they say. So I flush this water with a glass full of pills. Bipolar disorder, attention deficit disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder and a bunch of personality disorders. So I have to take these happiness capsules. This way I fit better within other people's views of society. I felt perfect before these capsules. But that was just my opinion.
As I get myself dressed to prepare for this daily cycle, I look outside to see the beautiful old rain. It might be a shitty day for most of you, but I enjoy it. Until I get to work. It has begun. Officially now, it's not just the thought anymore. I experience it as if I am looking through damp glasses. Trying to wipe them clean every now and then. Greet my administer, greet my so called colleagues, help them solve their shit. Almost literally clean their ass. Why is this the standard? Why? Because this is what it is. Well, put it this way, this is what most people feel comfortable about. I can't say that I hate this standard, but I certainly do not like it.
I received the task to write a general notice letter earlier. As I set way to the copying machine, I unconsciously blink towards the clock and realize I have only been in the cycle for an hour. You know that feeling you get when you realize something like that, don't you? As I copied the general notice letter, I went away for another coffee. Oh did I enjoy this little boost of energy. Amazing how something like a chemical substance could have this much of an influence on you. As I finished my coffee, I returned to the copying machine. There I found two colleagues queuing until I was done with my copies. I had to make another 108. I heard the words "faith", "God" and "Jesus". I did all I could not to get involved in this conversation. But quickly, they asked me if I believed in God. The two seemed to be significantly older than me. Not that it should make a difference, but it did. "Actually, I don't." I answered without hesitation. Although, inside, I had to put a lot of effort in this answer. After this, they just looked at me, in complete silence. They didn't say a word. Not a single letter came out of their mouths. They just gazed at me. I took the copies and walked towards my desk. I marched. I marched through the maze of identical desks. This journey was one hell of an exploration. There are over 500 employees here. I am just one of those. Almost no one knew each other. As I marched, in an even rhythm, thoughts kept flashing through my head about the two people I encountered. I sniggered on the inside.
Once I reach my desk I notice how 3 post-its are already waiting for my arrival. One of them had “URGENTLY” underlined twice. As I sit down my office chair, I notice some colleagues look at me with the typical “At least we don’t have to do this shit” look. Quickly my imaginary glasses became damp again and the day floated away in a mist. God was I tired. The day faded in a timeless, numb experience that passed away minute by minute. Every minute working in a place like this precisely felt like a minute closer to death.
My working hours are finally over. I can now leave this overwhelming glass skyscraper. The everlasting elevator that brings all coworkers to ground level. Ground level. As if you were away from the surface for a while. We were, actually. I leave the elevator and start my daily walk to the subways. I again leave ground level, to enter the underground. Above me are labyrinths of streets and buildings, all made by humans. Under me lay ancient remains of life, those that made us live here. It’s another 4 minutes until my metro arrives. I decide to put on my headphones, oh do I love music. Sound waves of joy an entertainment. Transcendence. Exactly what one needs after such a day. As the subway arrives, so do a new cue of pulsing melodies and rhythms. The gently pushing crowd behind me came no further than what happened around me. It did not matter. I took a seat next to the window. I enjoyed the flying by of the environment. Everything outside became abstract. The symphony between computer controlled sound and the outside world. Wonderful. Now I realize that I’m all good. I realize how much I love this world, after all.

Please tell me what you think!
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Re: Dystopia, Victims of the Modern Age

Postby fleet » Sat Sep 14, 2013 9:56 pm

It reads well for a short story, but I'm not sure how you can transform it into a visual novel.
Why? I like big ones, that's why.
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Re: Dystopia, Victims of the Modern Age

Postby Praelium » Sat Sep 14, 2013 10:15 pm

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Re: Dystopia, Victims of the Modern Age

Postby fleet » Sat Sep 14, 2013 11:34 pm

What you've described is a kinetic novel (similar to a visual novel, except the player makes no in-game choices). All you need now is artwork and background music. If you intend to distribute your story for free, you can find lots of royalty free music at http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/.

(I am not connected with them in any way, other than I use music from there). :D
Why? I like big ones, that's why.
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Re: Dystopia, Victims of the Modern Age

Postby Praelium » Sat Sep 14, 2013 11:53 pm

Thank you very much! I am very new to this all. Do I need a different creator for that kind of novel?
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Re: Dystopia, Victims of the Modern Age

Postby fleet » Sun Sep 15, 2013 2:23 am

Why? I like big ones, that's why.
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Re: Dystopia, Victims of the Modern Age

Postby Praelium » Sun Sep 15, 2013 10:05 am

Do you have Skype?
I might need some help getting started.
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Re: Dystopia, Victims of the Modern Age

Postby fleet » Sun Sep 15, 2013 5:54 pm

Why? I like big ones, that's why.
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